womenretreat-vcws-us.org

Early teenage pregnancy is when a teenage or adolescent girl gets pregnant, usually  outside wedlock. Almost 90 percent of  teenagers live at home with their parents. Most of these young girls are socially,psychologically and emotionaly  not ready for the  level of commitment invovle in having and caring for a baby. 
They hardly can provide for themselves financially, either they are in school or drop out from school.  
The first thing that happens when this occurs, is ..... the boy friend or man responsible for the pregnancy will quickly remind the girl that he is not ready nor capable of taking care of mother and child. The hard realization is that the young mother will find out sooner or later that she is on her own. She will now be faced with 
1. A broken heart from the boy who will quickly desert her in most cases .
2. Fear of the un known
3.Fear of disappointment from Parents and being yelled at or worst still thrown out of the house
4. Fear of dropping out of school
5. Fear of loosing friends at school
The baby at this point is the last thing in the girls mind.
The teenage young mother will soon realize that she no longer will have a life as soon as the baby is born.
  

    Pregnancy Outside Wedlock 

This is when an adult  gets pregnant for a man outside wedlock. These pregnancy happens for various reasons, either the woman is not using birth control pills, or something went wrong or the woman feels she is in love and want to have a child for her man as a symbol of her love for the man.

In these case, the woman might start out with the idea, thinking she is ready and capable of taking care of a baby and all it entails. However, she will sooner reailze that it is not as easy as it  seems or she has planned.  

The woman will find out that she does not have enough resources to take care of the baby.

The man in her life might decide that he don't want to have anything to do with the woman or the baby . The woman at these stage might be in a delimma of what to do, either to terminate the pregnancy or to keep the baby.

 What are the expectations from     Christian women?   

What does the Word of God say about these? 

 Below are some examples of real     Life Situations

A young African woman in her early twenties came to the United States at age four, In the course of growing up and dating, she became pregnant for a young handsome  young African American man. She never took this boy home, so the Parents did not have any knowledge of what was going on. She was stock with this young man(she got pregnant) and sooner realized when things got rough, that this was not the kind of person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. The young man in question wasn’t working, did not go to school but was willing to support mother and baby in any way that he could.

The hard reality of life is, it is not enough to want to support mother and baby when he had no means of doing so.

Finally the young mother had to look to her family for support. The Lady's family was not happy and now wants to keep a closer look at their daughter and "control her movement". After a while, the lady moved out of Parents house because "she could not stand them taking over her life”.

She moves in with a new male friend who is actively involved in the life of her baby. And of cause pays the bills.

Fortunately the Young Lady started to take more interest in the church and is more involved and active in the church. She now has mentors who are working with her to make the right decisions, encourage and support her in taking necessary step to make better wise decisions that will bring glory to God.

  What did VCWS do to support these Young Lady?

Encourage her with the word of God

Study the bible together: Point out to her that living with a man and engaging in pre-marital sex is a sin .

Made a presentation of the Bible to her

Have a one on one session with her to discuss her options and how to move forward

Follow up with her to encourage and find out how things are going

Invite her for activities in the church and work along side with her.       

This young lady is at the point of going to the alter with the man she is living with.

                      The story of Ms M.

         Marriage Out side Wed Lock

Ms. M has a five year old child outside wedlock. Rejected by the father of her child. She moved in with the first available man that showed intrest in taking care of mother & baby.

She moved in with this man,lived with him for three and half years. She suffered domestic violence in the hands of these man,she was abused emotionally, physically and other wise, the man talked down to her, was controling her and to make things worst, they argued all day.It seem they could not agree on any thing. She became very very unhappy in these relationship.She knew she had to do something but did not want to hurt this guy becasue he has been their for her in the past,paied all the bills etc. 

She continued to be abused by this young man, she just woke up one day and knew,she had to run for her life , so she ran for her life with her baby.She relocated with out taking any pin.

I asked Ms.B what advice she had for young women regarding getting Pregnancy outside wedlock?

She said it is very hard, very stressful, and she advice young women to slow down. And do things at the right time .

Asked Ms.M what advice she have for young women that move in with men before marriage?

She said moving in with a man is wrong in the sight of God.

She said that some women do this for convienent purpose, the man pays their bills and they get to see the man  every day. She said these will only last for a while and at the end it brings and leaves a heart ache

You might end up wasting the better part of your life and time, like she wasted three and half years with this man.

She said it is bad idea for any woman to move in with a man before marriage because you make it easy for the man.And like the elders will say, the man will be getting his milk for free, and these will make the man feel comfortable.

Ms M is almost Forty, she is in a serious relationship with a young man whom she prays and hopes and believes,  will  marry her in the near future.

Ms. M was asked what advice she had for young single women who hope to get married

              Women should be sure that their men are never too busy for them

 No woman should ever get married for the simply sake of getting married

Women should marry some one that they can share their life with, some one who will be their friend

Marry a man that listens to you and response to your needs.    

African women in their early twenties and thirties who came into America as adult are facing dilemma of how to proceed with their social life, given different Environment, Culture, Language, Social life style, Christian heritage, Family expectations, Working and Schooling at the same time, Distance between where they come from (Africa) and United States, Immigration issues, Financial issues, and a host other issues.

Environment: Environmental difference plays a role in the life of most foriegners. As a foreigner, you have to learn and adjust to the new environment,system, policys, rules and regulations of the Country.      

Culture: Cultural differences is a major issue,

American culture is different from African Culture. Example unmarried young women in America find it very easy to move in with a men and it is like a normal thing. In Africa,such things are seriuosly frowned at, and it does limit the chances of a girl getting married. So that  young African girls struggle with acceptable norms in America. African girls struggle with the pressure of  doing the right thing .   

Language: This is a big problem to young African women, it  creates limitations and barrie to the level of understanding in communication. Couples from two different background could misinterpret some things  spoken in English language becasue they interprete things differently where  they come from.  These  creat a barrie to growth in relationship.

Social Life Style: Christian young women find it difficult to meet up with the life style in America, going to clubs, wearing clothes that exposes the woman body etc 

Christian Heritage: Young Christian Women from Africa has noted that the practice of Christianity here is different from what they experience back in Africa. They feel it is hard making  decisions regarding   who is a real christian and who is not.

Family Expectations: This is the big one, Parents have  great expectations from their daughters, they expect them to marry an African, they have specific list of the kind of a man they should marry. Some parents want their daughters to marry from their Christian denomination, example a Catholic Parent want their daughter to marry a catholic, same thing applies to Anglican parents. They also  expect that their daughters marry some one from their state of origin, example African that speaks same dialect. Their is absoluetly nothing wrong in these expectations, they are all healthy except that in some cases it might not work out as parents wish.

Work & School: It is very difficult for Africans to adjust to this situation, because they are used to going to school, graduating from school before having a job. Here they have to go to school at the same time keep a job. This gives no room and time for any one to socialize or meet the "right guy". For the men, this might not be a problem, for the women, it is a big problem, because they also want to go to school, get a degree, and get married.

Distance between Africa & America: It is such a long distance and a lot of money involve for air fare and traveling. This creates stress, puts limits on dating some one from home or dating some one here. The fear of distant relationship and not being able to keep up creates limit and put strain on such relationships.

Immigration: Immigration /Visa issues is a big problem that creates limitation and course dilemma for young women, even when they are able to keep a long distance relationship and finally gets married, it remains a problem, they are not sure if they will be able to bring their spouse here,how long it will take to process paper and save up money for relocating the man. what is the waiting period before they can finally be together. This is scary, because it could take years. May be 5-10 years. No young couple wants to be apart in their early married life.  

Financial Issue: Money Plays an important role in the life of Africans, first if your parents are back home, than you are thinking of saving up money to have your wedding back home and that is allot of money. Given financial challenges you are thinking of marrying some one from Africa to give you opportunity of going back home other wise, it becomes more difficult.

 Educational level and background of the man. It is obvious that as a lady living in United States, you tend to be established settled in a job or what ever the case might be. Given the fact that No matter the level of your education in foreign Country, once you get to United States, your degree is not so much as worth any thing, since you have to go through process to prove your qualifications and in some cases, you have to go to school all over again. This creates a problem and concern for our young women, because than you have to deal with the waiting period and than you have to deal with your spouse to be or husband going through the period of adjustment and settling down, to have a harmonious relationship as husband and wife. All this creates stress and strain to a relationship.

What can we do as women of God and Parents to help support and make it easier on our young women in making these great important decisions in their lives?

Our young women have suggested that first of all they need their Parents to understand the frustration that they are going through, be realistic about some of the expectations they are making on them.  

Inter-racial marriage

   HOW CAN VCWS HELP?

As the coordinator of VCWS, I truly appreciate connecting with women of all age (thank God for that Gift), especially young women.

My very first advice to our young women and sisters in the Lord, is as follows

Encourage them to hold on to the faith they have in Christ. 2 Samuel 22:31 states that God is a shield for all who take refuge in him and so in any situation they should always call on him with a sincere heart and he promised as seen in Jeremiah 33:3 that he will answer.

Have at the back of their minds that Family is very important, and outside God, naturally, family comes second in supporting, caring and sharing.

Young women need to be encouraged to read and understand 1 Corinthians 7:1-40 (MARRIAGE) understand it, ask questions, and be clear in their mind what they want.

Young Christian Women priority should be to seek first the kingdom of God & his righteousness and every other thing shall be added unto them.

Understand that regardless of all the issues of concern they have, that distance, environment, culture or any of the above is not a barrier for God to accomplish his purpose or bless one with a husband.

All God requires is a willing and devoted heart to serve him.

Before I got married, I was advised to move out from the area that I lived, and move into a city, where I will have opportunity to meet with people, make new friends and hopefully get married. And yes my family had a guinea concern for me.

I was worried also, but at a point, I stopped and went to God in prayers and it was a challenge for me at the time, because I don't go to parties, the only social life I had, was with the youth of the Church.

I never imagined or thought that my husband was one of the youth members, that is not to say that husband can only come from the church, However, realizing and believing that God is the God of the whole universe, and can do all things, I continuously went to him in Prayers asking that he bless me with my own husband. At a time, I completely took my mind off marriage and went about my business serving God and living a "normal life ".

My husband came knocking.

Young Christian women need to hold unto God, avoid all the temptation that comes with making decision about marriage example

1. Moving in with a man

2. getting pregnant for a man

3. Compromising your body with the hope that it will draw the man closer or get him to marry you.

4. Do not accept being treated like a trash because you don't want to rock the boat

Rather our sisters should

A. seek God's guidance and direction in making the right decisions.

b. Take the first right step by dating a Christian.

C. Avoid being un equally yoke with an unbeliever-with the  notion of converting him when you get married.

All Christians are suppose to live by faith, what is faith? Faith is believing in that, which we have not seen. Young women need to believe that God will bring their own husbands to them, no matter where they are or how old they get. It is not in the place of the Christian woman to go out to search for a husband, it is the other way round, and the Christian woman only needs lots of wisdom and support to identify the right man when it is time.

Young women need all the support they can get and also need mentors and above all God in their life.

It is obvious that their is communication problem with some young women and their parents. So our intension is by the grace of God approach Parents and sees how we can all work to gather to build a better support system for our young women.

We also intend to host a forum with Young Women and Parent from different Countries to discuss this issue and hopefully get professional counselors who will work one on one with any individual that have the need, have Christian mentors who will stand by our young women, be prayer partners, guide & give advise that will help our young women make wise decisions.

Hopefully host Young women forum, invite Christian married women who have been through similar situations to share their experiences. I believe this will help the young ones see what practical life situation is, the advantages and disadvantages in similar situations.

Given the above issues and concerns. Our young women have come up with the following questions which will act as food for thought.

Questions for Single Women

Are you a Christian?

Do you want to get married?

Why do you want to get married?

What is your idea of an ideal marriage?

What are the challenges you face as a foreigner in making decisions concerning marriage/ choosing a life partner?

What do you think about inter-racial / inter-cultural marriage?

What are your ideas about the age difference between your spouses?

What do you think about the carrier of your spouse to be?

What do you think about family expectations and how do you get Parents to be realistic in some of their expectations?

What are the challenges of working and schooling at the same time?

If you marry from Africa, will the individual be able to come over and what is the possible wait period?

How will all this affect your spiritual growth as a Christian?

Given the above issues and concerns. Our young women have come up with the following questions which will act as food for thought.

Questions for SIngle Women

Are you a christian?

Do you want to get married?

Why   do you want to get married?

 What is your idea of an ideal marriage ?

What are the challenges you face  as a foreigner in making decisions concerning marriage/ choosing a life partner?

What do you think about inter-racial / inter-cultural marriage?

What are your ideas about the age difference between your spouse?

What do you think about the carreie of your spouse to be?

What do you think about family expectations and how do you get Parents to be realistic in some of their expectations ?

What are the challenges of working and schooling at the same time?

If you marry from Africa, will the individual be able to come over and what is the possible wait period?

How will all this affect your spiritual growth as a christian?  

A young lady living with the father of her children, she have known him for over 15years, she has been okay living in this situation, till she met a Christian who asked her, if she would like to get married to the father of her children? The answer was yes, but she was scared that she will rock the boat and do not want to risk brining up the issue of marriage with the guy; she can not afford to loose him. She rather keeps living the way they are.

The Christian made her realized that she was living in sin, and though she was not judging her, she encouraged her to commit the issue in prayer. First of all to accept God as Lord and Savior and than commit her heart desire to God.

This is a common scenario, Young women allow themselves to get pregnant, move in with the man, with Hope that they will get married. In some rare cases they do, in others they don't.

As Christians we should abstain from pre-marital sex. And not allow ourselves to fall into the hole the devil is digging for us. If as a young woman, you truly go about serving God and have faith, that in due course, he will bless you with a husband. No matter where you find yourself. We all know that marriage is not all bed of roses, yet it is a blessed union by God if done in the right way. So to avoid all the thorns that come with marriage, I advise sisters in Christ, that while they are dating, doing the right thing, they should wait upon the Lord.